African Babies Are So 2006
You can quit working on that Namibian visa, Hollywood A-listers. 2007 is the year of the brainwash.
After notching up recent high profile zombification wins with Katie Holmes and Isaac "Chef" Hayes, the Scientology set is poised to bag a few more celebrity trophies. Both Holmes' and Hayes' "conversions" involved very fishy details and, coincidentally or otherwise, poster zombie Tom Cruise featured prominently in both, not as a religious recruiter, but as Holmes' baby daddy and as a scorned, litigious celebrity spoofed by Hayes' show.
As for the incoming class...
Recently, concerns that "Dianetics" may replace Variety as the bible of the entertainment capital of the world peaked with reports that a new wave of A-list celebs may be joining Cruise, Katie Holmes, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Isaac Hayes, Leah Remini, Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley, Beck, Nancy Cartwright (who voices Bart Simpson) and others.
Soccer's No. 1 face, David Beckham, and his wife, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham, who are moving to Los Angeles, have recently become good friends with TomKat, and in October, Victoria Beckham was spotted reading a Scientology healing manual (she's officially denied that she's interested in joining the church).
Cruise, Holmes and TV actress Remini have also reportedly been wooing J-Lo, who is said to be intrigued by Scientology's toxin-flushing purification process and its claims that the religion can help her conceive a child and aid her career.
Lopez, whose father is a Scientologist, has said she isn't interesting in converting to the church and that she remains a Catholic.
But sources told FOXNews.com gossip columnist Roger Friedman that Lopez and her husband Marc Anthony are getting more and more into Scientology, despite their denials.
"They're in," a source said. "There's no doubt about it."
Need a refresher on the "auditing" process that enables Scientologists to purify their thetans? These "training routines" are nothing more than straight up brainwashing, leveraging a variety of time-tested techniques that have been honed over decades. Some first hand accounts are available here, here, and here.
The Hubbard-worshippers may never lock themselves in a compound and start burning or drinking bad things. The extent of the evil plied by the cult of Scientology may be as benign as recruitment of new rubes and the financial gain associated with selling them ever-higher levels of treatment. After all, the ultimate goal of Scientology is to practice it well enough that you're eventually worthy enough to purchase the "Advanced Technology", which involves listening to a story about Xenu, the alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy who flew humans to Earth 75 million years ago on a 1960s-era commercial jetliner (hey, just like we used here on Earth when Hubbard was scribbling all this down). And that's where it starts to get weird. Of course, you can always just watch the South Park episode Trapped In the Closet, in which they offer a nice synopsis of the super secret technology for free.
But even if Scientologists never hole up in their Hollywood Celebrity Centre and start offing themselves, the toll reportedly taken on so many of its victims is a significant one, offering complete disruption of their prior lives and for some, abruptly severing them from friends, family, colleagues, and careers.
The Second Sign Of the Ablogalypse
Scientology Gag Made Manifest
Return to Konspiracy Korner - The Strange Transformation of Katie Holmes
The First Sign of the Ablogalypse
Konspiracy Korner - Did Chef Really Quit South Park?
Handcrafted by Flip on February 16, 2007 |
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