The Lumbering Delicacy: Tasty Polar Bear Recipes

Today, the U.S. Department of the Interior declared the polar bear a "threatened" species, citing melting sea ice and a population explosion among the noble animal's only natural predator.

Illustrating a rare mastery of causality, Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne conceded that, ''This listing will not stop global climate change or prevent any sea ice from melting."  What the listing will do is surrender some authority over economic development and energy exploration to environmental special interest groups who can now wield the withering bears as a legally protected would-be casualty of the ravages of man's heartless industrialization.

The only problem, of course, is that there's little scientific evidence that polar bear populations are in decline (and even some indications that they're on the upswing).  So, rather than cause Kempthorne et al to lose face, it's incumbent upon responsible Americans to do their part to help thin out the herd (or at least keep it from thriving any more vibrantly), lest this ruling come under ridicule.

With that in mind, we've collected some of the finest recipes for this great white northern treat, just in time for summer cookout season.

Polar Bear Stew

Ingredients:

• 4 pounds (1.8 kg) polar bear meat
• Water to cover
• 3 tablespoons (45ml)salt
• 1 1/2 cups (360 ml) dried potato
• 1 cup (340 ml) celery flakes
• 1 tablespoon (15ml) dry union
• 2 cups (480 ml) dehydrated carrots
• 1/2 cup (120ml) melted butter
• 1 3/4 cups (420 ml) flour
• 1 teaspoon (5ml) garlic powder or garlic salt
• 3/4 teaspoon (3ml) pepper

Cut meat into bite-sized pieces and boil in salted water for 1 1/2 hours or more. Then add dry vegetables; mix melted butter with flour, blend in seasonings and add to meat. Cook 15 minutes longer. The stew is ready. Makes eight to ten servings

Recipe from: Cooking Alaskan by Alaskans; Norma Silook, Gambell, Saint Lawrence Island

When preparing your bear, remember to cook it thoroughly to avoid nasty Trichinosis.  And never dine on polar bear liver, which is poisonous.  The irony of your savage appetite for innocent flesh resulting in your own demise will be of little consolation.

Roast Polar Bear

Trim all fat from the roast. Wash well. Soak meat for at least 2 hours in water, salt and vinegar. Remove and pat dry. Place meat in a roaster, lay strips of bacon on top and place quarters of onion beside it. Roast at 350 degrees F. for about 3 hours. 15 minutes before serving, remove bacon strips, coat top  of roast with butter and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Roast another 15 minutes and drizzle butter on top two or three times during this period. Serve Hot. Serves 6 to 8.

Recipe from: Northern Cookbook, edited by Eleanor A. Ellis, Information Canada 1973

Come summer, backyard grillmasters can sizzle up juicy Nanuk steaks to sate the evil bloodthirst of the whole family.  But what's the preferred wine to serve with polar bear?  Are these proud creatures surf or turf?  Norwegian restaurateur André Grytbakk recommends a full-bodied bordeaux to complement your polar bear.

"Polar bear is a rough kind of meat so you need a heavy type of wine to go with it..."

Grytbakk has to know this kind of information. He is the manager of Huset, a top-notch restaurant in Longyearbyen, a town of 1,982 inhabitants nestled amid dramatic snow-capped mountains.

So how do you get your hands on a side of polar bear without running afoul of the Interior Department or joining the Dharma Initiative?  In Longyearbyen, they go by the "He's coming right for us" rule.

Thousands of polar bears roam the islands, and although - thankfully - it's strictly forbidden to hunt this endangered species, it is possible to kill them if they are about to devour you. But before any unethical hunters reading this post board a plane for Longyearbyen with rifles at the ready, the circumstances of the kill have to be truly life-threatening: the governor of Svalbard investigates every shooting thoroughly.

In northern Canada, it's a little easier.  If you've got a few hundred bucks and a good parka, you're ready to load for bear.

$50.00cdn  for a non resident hunting license.
$750.00cdn for a polar bear trophy.
6% GST on top of the above fees.
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Grand Total of:  $848.00

Bon appetit, you murderous glutton.